What is Woman: Meaning of Phrase "Out of My League"
Before you dive into this post, I would like to make my intentions known. Just so we are on the same page. I want to talk about how I, as a woman, view the phrase “out of my league.” This is a phrase that historically is used by a lot of people, particularly by men, who usually believe they have found a partner who is just better than them in some measurable yet subjective way, most typically but not necessarily limited to physical appearances or personal status. Now, I’m not going to write an essay and talk about how looks don’t matter, because they do in our society. And I also can understand that human nature forces us to measure ourselves and others and that people tend to choose a mate whom they believe has the same or nearly the same intrinsic value as them. But I want to talk about the many flaws of this phrase and this mentality, from my honest opinion and from my own experience. I will begin with a story.
I had my first boyfriend at the age of fourteen. It was high school, a time when most of us seem to be trying to find our identities and fit in as best as we can. I was crazy about this boy, and didn’t have eyes for anyone else. It was frustrating to me when my family commented on how I could do better—how he wasn’t attractive enough. It was even more shocking to learn that he thought I was too good for him too. That made no sense to me, especially because there were so many times when I thought he was too good for me! He was academically at the top of our school and had the reputation of being brilliant and really well-rounded, and I just thought I wasn’t quite at his level. Looking back, it seems ridiculous, when we both just cared about each other and didn’t need to focus on superficial things that really didn’t matter.
“There’s a saying old, says that love is blind. Still, we are often told, seek and ye shall find. So I’m going to seek a certain lad I’ve had in mind…”
When my male friends tell me that they can’t date a girl because she is out of their league, it baffles me. Guys, this is the most important thing I have to say: Women use so much more than physical attraction to choose the man they want. In fact, that’s almost minimal in my book. Being funny and having a laid-back personality is infinitely more important, and this is something that many women that I have talked to agree with. Choosing a guy is related more so to context than to anything else, and let me explain what I mean by that. This isn’t high school anymore. We aren’t some hormone-driven teens trying to raise our status and self-esteem by seeking someone that has cool hair and a cute smile. No sir. At a mature point in life, women learn that they need a man. Someone trustworthy and dependable; someone who will ultimately care about us the way we want to be cared about. As one of my favorite comedians Aziz Ansari puts it, we want someone who is “nice and clean.” And that, along with a personality we can mesh with, is really most important.
“There’s a somebody I’m longing to see. I hope that he turns out to be, someone who’ll watch over me.”
After the psychology classes I took in college, the personal experience I have had with dating and discussing these things with both men and women, and the Marriage and Family elective course I took, I’m actually going to cite a non-scientific source when discussing this topic because it aligns with a lot of the things I have learned in a pretty straightforward and descriptive way. The website Askmen.com rated the top 10 traits that women look for in men and showed some interesting results. Within the top 10 were sociability, sense of humor, and intelligence; number 1 was confidence, and physical appearance was actually number 10 (1). When we get to know a guy who is very attractive who happens to be a douche, it is definitely a turn-off; and when we get to know an “unattractive” guy who really connects with us and seems to care about us, that guy has a substantially higher chance of ending up in a romantic relationship with us. I don’t know anything about same-sex couples, and it would be interesting to learn more, but I’m willing to bet the same rules apply. Context is the most important thing when it comes to choosing someone you want to open up to and develop as an individual and as a couple.
“Although he may not be the man some, girls think of as handsome, to my heart he carries the key.”
-Ela Fitzgerald, Someone to Watch Over Me
So next time you think that a girl is out of your league, just stop it. Either gain the confidence you need to realize that you are someone any girl would be lucky to grow old with, or work on learning how to become the man that a woman needs to sustain a fruitful relationship that isn’t based on the shallowest of criteria. And also remember: women might have a different view of themselves than you realize. We also struggle with this idea of beauty and status, as I discussed in my last article, and we may not see ourselves in such high regards as you do. In fact, check out this five minute video that is a social experiment diving into women’s self-perceptions and ideas about their own beauty, and it may just change the way you think about approaching women in general.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=blBlAScyNks
Don’t ever stop yourself from pursuing someone you actually care about because you think you aren’t good enough for them. Maybe they will reject you, maybe they secretly like you as well, or maybe the relationship needs time to develop—who knows? But remember that we all have our own insecurities, fears, and struggles, and when we can come together and build each other up, it makes for a beautiful relationship.
1. http://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating/top-10-traits-attractive-women-look-for-in-a-man_10.html
Tatiana Carrasquilla is a second year medical student at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine
