The Funion
On August 8, 2016, the first year class had their first Intro to the Profession class, welcoming them as the newest addition to our humble home of outstanding medical students, physicians, and researchers. What was supposed to be a happy and eventful week, however, quickly turned into a hellish nightmare for one bright-eyed
incoming student. Billy Rogers of The University of Southern California feared his first patient
encounter as a medical student. He was nervous, unsure of what to do, and afraid that he would
somehow mess up the patient’s treatment, chart, or care. As he walked with the rest of his class to see his first patient on that exciting week, he recalled the wise words of doctors that have come before him:
"Your patients are more afraid of you than you are of them."
And so Billy regained strength and courage and marched valiantly right into the patient room. Twenty-one and a half seconds later (a Northwestern Hospital Systems record, actually), a scream was heard, and Drs. Big Papi and Core of the Lungs flew through the door, sprinted towards Billy, grabbed him by the arms, and escorted him away.
“I haven’t seen him ever since,” said Sarah Macleton of the first year class. “These two doctors just ran in and carried him out, and all we heard was ‘No, the kidneys are superior…’ before the doors slammed behind them.”
That afternoon, the following message was sent to the student body:
Dear students and faculty of Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine,
Thank you for your patience and understanding during this difficult time. Please know that we are doing everything we can to ensure the safety and well-being of all of our Northwestern brothers and sisters, and that we will learn and grow from this experience so that it will never occur in our shining future.
After many years of searching, we found Billy Rogers in the backroom of a Burger King in Hoboken, New Jersey and were able to get an exclusive to find out exactly what happened on that fateful and terrifying day.
“I screwed up guys, so badly. I never intended on anyone getting hurt. I was just trying to do my best, and next thing I know, I ruined a life forever. I live in so much shame and despair. How could I have messed up so badly? I let everyone down.”
After forty six minutes of crying, wailing, and sitting in the fetal position by the large fridge of the Burger King before his break ended (yet another record for Billy?), we finally were able to calm Billy down and get him to explain what really happened.
“They never told anyone what I did to that patient? I guess it was too terrible to actually say out loud, no wonder. Well, I have to tell you, because everyone deserves to know. No one can ever make the same mistake I made. I was kicked out of medical school, banned from any medical education, Caribbean or otherwise. Burger King was the only place that would take me. But I can’t even show my face to the customers, because of the deep shame that they relate with my identity. My life is forever ruined. I regret the day that I entered that room.”
After about twenty more minutes of regret-talk followed by yelling from his boss, further accompanied by verbal bullying by the rest of the staff as they called him names, continued by a phone call from his wife saying that she was leaving him for someone “better and more worth her time,” we finally got Billy alone during one of his bathroom breaks to tell us what he actually did to deserve all of his misery, despair, regret, sorrow, and woe.
“I’ll tell you. I walked into the room. I approached the patient, a young woman of about 30 years of age who was there for a routine follow-up after a PAP smear. I extended my hand toward her. And that’s when I did the unexpected; it’s like I had no control. I just wasn’t thinking. I was like an animal. I didn’t-- - I didn’t use the Germ-Ex by the door. I completely forgot to sterilize. I held out my hand without washing, without using Germ-Ex, without even wiping it against my white coat. I probably had leftover lunch still in my fingernails, or scum from my backpack. It was the biggest mistake I ever made. And they swiftly kicked me out of medical school and sent me to this small town. I deserve everything.”
Well, there you have it folks. In a profession in which excellence and perfection are the main demands, and knowing that the biggest mistakes can actually ruin lives in an instant, it's important to also keep your calm and not let worries take over your life. This is a tough balance, I know, but we are young, and we are learning. And you have to really go out of your way to not find the success you've worked hard to earn. You will eventually become doctors if you just do your best, and don't let the fear of failure hold you back. We’ve all made dumb mistakes. We’ve said the dumbest things, asked the dumbest questions, and been complete idiots in front of patients, residents, professors, and our peers. I mean, we all used Germ-Ex, of course—we aren’t barbarians. Just remember the golden rule, do your best, and everything will be fine. Keep moving forward, and enjoy the ride! It’ll be a great adventure, the best adventure of your life begins now. But for the love of all that is sacred, don’t forget the Germ-Ex.
ProTip: Fill your inner white coat pockets with GermEx and just dip/engulf/sploosh your hands
in them every couple of minutes.
The Funion is a satirical column using real faculty, staff, and students from Feinberg. It in no way is intended to be taken literally, and it does not represent the views or actual personalities of the people mentioned or of Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine.
